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Adopting an older child can present unique problems. Becoming a new parent is tough, but becoming a new parent of a school-age child or adolescent can be tougher.
An older child may bring problems from the past into his new family. He may have lived in a number of foster homes, each affecting him in some way. He may have lived with one or both birth parents for a time. There may be a history of drug, alcohol, physical or sexual abuse. He may have been separated from siblings. Many factors could have affected your child's life before he came to your home. Following are some suggestions that will help you deal with them.
· Learn as much as you can about your child's background and that of her birth parents. The adoption agency can help you gather as much information as possible. By learning everything you can about your child and her past, you may become more aware of problems that may lie ahead. Keep in mind, it is impossible for you or the adoption agency to know everything your child may have gone through.
· Keep a connection to your child's past. It is important that your child feel connected in a positive way to the life he had before coming to your home. Keep in touch with someone he knew; a grandparent, relative, friend or neighbor. If possible, put together a "life book" by collecting mementos and photos of your child's previous home, school and people he was close to. These things will be important as your child adjusts to his new life.
· Don't be afraid to seek help. Adoptive parents should understand that an older child with serious problems may need professional help to resolve these issues. Constant and persistent love can work wonders for most children, however, in some cases, love may not be enough.
· Don't blame yourself. An older child may rebel against her new family. This anger is usually because of the child's past losses. These problems are not your fault. Remind yourself that you are part of the solution as you help your child work out her issues. Most of all, be patient.