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Column by Editor-in-Chief, Nancy W. Dickey, M.D.
When my son was 5?, his 8-year-old sister decided to let the cat out of the bag.
I had given my daughter an age-appropriate book about sex; once the secret was out, she couldn't wait to share it. After a whispered exchange, there was an outburst of denial from my son. "Oh yuck!" he protested. "Mom and Dad did NOT do that." My son approached his father for confirmation and after receiving it, still aghast he said, "But how many times did you have to do THAT?" Well ...
Start at the Very Beginning
As parents, we can be an honest source of information on a topic often whispered about on the playground. Start sex education early, as your child has questions. If kids are asking, they are getting answers. Isn't it much better for these answers to be accurate and from you?
Curiosity is natural. Susie is going to want to know why Jack's body is different than hers. A child may want to touch his or her genitals. This is all part of growing up. Rather than scolding, teach children what behaviors are private. If we act embarrassed or are unwilling to talk about such topics, children may believe that their bodies and their sexuality are things to be ashamed of.
· Have a two-way conversation, rather than a one-way lecture. You want to give your child the information he or she needs and create an opportunity for open discussion. Ask your child what he or she thinks the answer is before answering. This is a good method to gauge where your child is with the subject and if he or she has been given any misinformation.
· Use age-appropriate language. When your child asks a question, try to answer it using terms he or she understands. If you introduce a new term, give a clear definition, but don't give too many details. An overload of information can be confusing.
· Avoid the stork. If your child is asking a question, it is because he or she has been exposed to a subject and may be confused on the answer. Making up cute stories can lead to future confusion ... and mistrust. Giving honest answers establishes you as a safe place to go with questions.
· Tell it like it is. Use a matter-of-fact tone, indicating there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Children should know what a penis and a vagina are, just as they would learn about toes and fingers.
· Take the lead. If your child hasn't asked any questions or expressed curiosity by age 5 or 6, introduce the topic. Your child may be afraid to ask.
· Turn to books. Books allow your child a resource that can be taken to a private spot, like his or her room. They also include illustrations, which visually depict information that may be hard for your child to conceptualize.
On the Playground
While in elementary school, children are going to hear and probably repeat language they have heard from other kids. If your child comes home and starts talking about sex in a manner that sounds suspiciously like an R-rated movie, simply explain what the words really mean, why they shouldn't be used, and then provide more appropriate language.
You may need recess with your friends as well. Talk to other parents whose children are at this same stage. Swapping stories can provide comic relief and a chance to talk strategy on what has helped or perhaps not helped other households.
The Chalkboard
As their bodies begin to mature, children need to know what to expect and what will be changing. Do check to see what kind of education is being offered at school, but don't leave all of the discussion in the classroom.
Sex ed usually covers the basics, but there is always the chance of misinterpretation. While the chalkboard may be a good place to obtain a definition of the term "wet dream" and a diagram highlighting where the fallopian tubes are, in a room full of teenagers with raging hormones the real question on many of their minds is, "do I do it, or do I wait?"
"The Talk"
With each year bringing a million teenage pregnancies and three million cases of adolescents contracting an STD, kids aren't just talking about sex; they are doing it.
It is a toss up on whether "the talk" is dreaded more by our children, or by us. As I am sure all parents with kids in their teens will attest, children at this age often feel like they already know everything about a subject ... and everything that you are going to tell them. What could their old-fashioned parents possibly teach them about sex?
We can teach our children not only by making sure they have the correct facts, but by helping them to understand the complexity of intimacy. It is important to share with them that sexual relations aren't as simple or as easy as they are in the movies. We can help them to respect their own bodies, as well respecting the bodies of those with whom they have relationships.
Offer to answer your children's questions... and mean it. It is okay to admit to your child that you are uncomfortable, as long as you are beginning a discussion with this disclosure ... rather than stopping one with it.
It is important to share your own values and explain why you hold these values. But it is just as important to make a distinction between fact and opinion.
Make sure your child knows all the information he or she needs to make informed decisions, such as:
· Not everyone is doing it. Statistics indicate that 50 percent of teens are sexually active by the age of 17 ... and 50 percent are not.
· Having sex carries risks ... even sex with a condom. Make sure your child knows what "safe sex" is so that if he or she chooses to have sex, the risks of pregnancy and disease can be reduced.
· Studies have shown that even when teenagers understand the risks associated with sex, they may not understand the risks associated with other behaviors, such as the risk of sexually transmitted diseases through oral sex. Open your discussion up to covering sexual behaviors beyond the act of sex itself.
· The phrase sex, drugs and rock and roll may be old, but it still applies. Studies show that alcohol and drugs are involved in many teenagers' sexual experiences. If your lines of communication are open and you are talking about sex, your child will be more willing to talk about other subjects as well.
· If you have a regular physician who knows your child, use him or her as a resource. You might want to consider having the physician discuss birth control, abstinence, STDs and other tough issues with your child.